Want to change the world? Practice Self-Kindness

For the whole class, I asked myself, “What can I do to be kind to myself here?” The answers varied. It could be moving more slowly, deepening my breath or watching when my mind wandered and bringing it back to the present.

When I attended His Holiness the Dalai Lama’s 80th birthday celebration in 2015, one of only two instructions he gave was “Be kind to everyone”. It’s easy to forget that “everyone” starts with yourself. In fact, being kind to yourself is the only real way to learn how to be kind to others.

I used to think that being kind to myself was doing nice things for me. I would get a massage, take a dance class, or indulge in delicious meal with a friend and then wonder, why do I not feel GREAT all the time? I’m so kind to myself?!

While these are indeed ways to be kind to yourself, I realized that I focused so much of my attention on doing activities that I’d forgotten about all the moments in between. OOOPS! How was I being kind to myself the rest of the day?

Big revelation. It’s the small choices we make a thousand times a day that equate to self-kindness. Kindness often means saying no to what’s not in alignment for you in the moment. It might be saying no to a hard workout when your body is asking for something gentle, or connecting with your spouse in the evening when you really need time alone.

What else can self -kindness look like? It may be cheering yourself on and turning off that critical, negative voice in your head that tells you you should be doing more, better, faster. It may be asking for help when you need it.

As I meditated on self-kindness, I realized how complex, yet how simple it can be. And out of that I created a kindness practice (see below). You can do this anytime, anywhere. I recommend practicing with a friend or loved one so you can share your experience.
Let me know how it goes!

6 Steps To Self Kindness

Make an intent.We’re all so busy- we need reminders! Write or draw your intent on a piece of paper. It may say ‘self kindness’, other words that come to mind, or be a drawing of how self-kindness feels to you. Post your paper somewhere you will see it multiple times a day. If you have a morning meditation or spiritual practice, remind yourself of your intent at that time.

Get aware of old beliefs. On day 1 of your practice, grab a pen and paper and start journaling. What does it mean to be kind to yourself? In what ways can you practice self-kindness on a daily basis? Do you have any old, negative beliefs around being kind to yourself?

For instance, some of us have been taught that we don’t deserve to be nice to ourselves or that if we are, we’re selfish, and being selfish is a bad thing. The truth is we can only give to others once we’ve given to ourselves. If you find these types of beliefs, it’s most effective to work with a transformational coach who can help you release them. This allows you to create new beliefs that are aligned with who are and who you want to be.

Breathe and Be present. It’s difficult to be kind to yourself when you’re spaced out or thinking about something else. As you go through your day, practice deep breathing especially if you notice yourself stressed or emotional.

Catch yourself. Catch yourself in the moments you go on auto pilot and do one of the following:
Negative self talk i.e. be mean to yourself or beat yourself in your thoughts.
Ignore your needs. (Even if you can’t meet your needs in the moment, it’s important to hear them. You can meet them at the soonest next time.)
Say yes when you mean no.
Extend yourself when you don’t have the resources to do so.
Miss taking in the beauty or positive in any moment of your life.

Make a change. Breathe deep, feel your feet and make a new choice that comes from a place of self-kindness. When in a doubt, ask yourself ‘how can be kind to myself in this moment?’

Give yourself a high five. Ok, maybe not literally. But seriously, you did an awesome job! Tell yourself that in the same way you would congratulate your kid on a test they studied hard for. No one can make us feel as good about ourselves as we can.